March 31, 2004
taking things for granted.i think i always fall into that trap.
it just seemed so natural for me to get streamed into em2,sent into express stream,make it to a jc and eventually to a uni.usually nus.its like a flow that simply makes sense.
but i hadnt realised how hard this "natural" path is actually to some people.some of my p6 classmates ended up in normal stream.my sec sch classmates in poly.and some of my jc frens would end up being rejected by nus.its as if my eyes have finally opened up.
i remember in an article on education we had to do for gp,there was this family that was so proud that their son got in a jc as the rest of their relatives are in poly.when i first read,i thought to myself,"so what if hes in a jc.its so darn easy to get into one."but today it struck me that only 25% of the people born between jan 1 1987 and dec 31 1987 are in junior colleges.thats how prestigious it is for me to be in a jc.regardless whether im in like some neighbourhood jc or what,im already privileged enough.
mayb i shud stop taking things for granted but thank the lord for all He has been providing.after all,what may seem easy to me may require others their life to reach.
Michelle called at
4:27 PM
March 28, 2004
was going through the steeple just now and there were quite a lot of pictures of the old ij building.i cant help but say this.i miss ij.i dont miss the people or rather the juniors.but i miss the time when i was a junior and being pampered by the seniors.bullying the new teachers.sucking up to the older teachers.n simply doing a lot of rubbish.and all that time was simply happened only in that white building sitting on toa payoh,surrounded by a concrete wall.man.
i miss the days when we climbed out of the school through the side gate.the days when we just threw our notes across the classrooms.when we can just run across the really small carpark to visit our primary school friends.
mayb a lot of you wont understand y i miss the building so much.mayb some wud say its the people n spirit that i should b missing.but i dont really miss the people,or at least most of the ij people, or the so called ij spirit that i somehow dont feel at all.just try going to a building for at least 280 days a year for 9 years and you would know what i mean.
sigh.
Michelle called at
5:50 PM
March 25, 2004
have been trying my best to keep away from the comp.but im still lacking in the discipline to do that.
school this week has been kinda slack.esp since i only go for 3 lectures a day.im legitimately freed by econs.but i just kept ponning physics lectures.im just gonna die when proper lectures begin.
went for laying foundation today.so many ac people were at ymca.haha.we r all laying foundation for AC!woahho!was laughing like crazy at macs during dinner.i totally could not close my mouth and munch on my food.how irritating.
i was commenting that kenneth looks like a korean.as in those middle aged businessman.but he kept insisting that he only looks like one korean - bae yong jun.someone please just laugh your head off.hahas.
sorry kenneth.i still love you brother.but the joke is just too funny that i haf to spread the joy to everyone.im sure u'll understand.for the big picture.heehee.yar.im serious.no sarcasm at all.i still love you brother.
Michelle called at
9:15 PM
March 23, 2004 1. Pierce your nose or tongue?: nose
2. Be serious or be funny?: i prefer a nice balance
3. Gstring or thongs?: i thought they r the same.
4. Whole or skim milk?: doesnt matter.it all ends up in my stomach
5. Single or Taken?: single.but not nowhere near availability
6. Simple or complicated?: both
7. Law or anarchy?: law.
8. Flowers or angels?: flowers.angels r already mine.but i hadnt got all the flowers
9. Grey or gray?: grey.looks nicer.
10. Read or write?: read.
11. Color or black-and-white photos?: black and white.has a contemporary style
12. Sunrise or sunset?: sunrise.its more precious.
13. M&M's or Skittles?: m&m
14. Rap or rock?: rock.i cant decipher raps unless im handed the lyrics
15. Stay up late or wake up late?: wake up late
16. TV or Radio?: radio.u cant multi-task when watching tv.
17. Is it POP or SODA?: iced water is good
18. X or O in Tic-tac-toe?: x
20. Eat an apple or an orange?: apple
21. What came first the chicken or the egg?: chicken
22. Hot or Cold?: i dont like extremes
24. Tall members of the opposite sex or short?: i believe practically every guy is taller than me.
25. Sun or moon?: moon.associates with the night. which is usually more romantic
26. Emerald or ruby?: i prefer diamond
28. Left or right?: if right is right.wont left be wrong?of course i would prefer to be right.
29. 10 acquaintances or 1 best friend?: 1 best friend.its nice to have 10people accomapnying me to the toilet..but a bosom friend is better.
30. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream?: vanilla
31. High or Drunk?: high.you can get high on anything.but u haf to be on alcohol to go drunk
32. Green beans or carrots?: beans.the crunchy kind on my chawanmushi.
33. Low fat or fat free?: fat free.why get only a portion when you can haf the whole of it.
34. What is your biggest fear in the world?: alone.
36. Kids or no kids?: kids
37. Cat or dog?: dogs.
38. Half empty or half full?:half empty
39. Mustard or ketchup?: both.on my ikea hotdog bun
40. Hard cover books or soft cover books?: hard
41. Newspaper or magazine?: magazines
42. Sandals or sneakers?: sandals
43. Wonder or amazement?: amazement
44. Red car or white car?: white.
45. Happy and poor or sad and rich?: happy and poor.
46. Singing or dancing?: singing
47. Hugging or Kissing?: hugging
48. Corduroy or plaid?: corduroy
49. Happy or sad?: mixture
50. Purple or green?:purple
51. A year of hot sex or a lifetime of friendship?:a lifetime of friendship.
[Last time you:]Really Smiled: cant remember.too long ago.
Laughed: 10mins ago.it was kinda forced though
Cried: last time i really bawled my heart out was during deliverance session at jacklyn's place.
Danced: eh.when me n jieyun danced mass dance at anna's place.
Were sarcastic: im known for sarcasm.hows that
Kissed someone: ive never kissed anyone
Watched your favorite movie: whats my favourite movie?
Had a nightmare: the night before.i didnt haf time to finish the dream.darn.
[ A Last time for everything.. ]
Last book you read: memoirs of geisha
Last song you heard: didnt particularly play any songs
Last thing you had to drink: milo
Last time you showered: 545am this morning.hee.
Last thing you ate: dinner
[ Fashion ]
1. Do you wear a watch: no.
2. How many coats and jackets do you own: 5?
3. Most expensive item you've bought: with my own money?nothing i can think of.
4. What kind of shoes do you wear?: adidas.
[ Friends ]
1. Do your friends 'know' you: they love me.but not sure if they really know me
2. How are you with your friends: ok?just that i usually lose my close ones.consciously.
3. Are there traits in you that are universally liked: that i can stand people's positive criticism.
4. Are there people that you tell everything to: nope.i like to tell different stuff to different people
[ Other ]
1. Favorite band ever: none.
2. Most listened to band: none
3. Do you find any musicians: find what musicians?
4. Can you play an instrument?: yah.
5. Type of music listened to: praise.worship.symphonic works.
6. Type never listened to: chants.
[ Stuff ]
1. Do you own any plaid clothing: nope
2. Do you own Converse shoes: nope.
3. Do you own Saucony shoes: nope
4. Do you own old school Nikes: nope
5. Do you wear tight pants: nope.too constraining.
6. Is there more than one zipper in your pants: nope
7. Do you own a messenger bag: yar
8. Do you wear your messenger bag across your chest?: used to.no longer.
[ARE YOU...]
A Vegetarian?: nope
A Good Student?: eh.i duno.i hand in my homework.just that i pon a lot of classes.
A Good Driver?: i cant drive yet.
Good At Sports?: duh not.
A Good Singer?: quite ok.or at least i think so
A good Actor/Actress?: no.i suck at acting.i can only fall.
A deep sleeper?: not really
Shy?: depends.
Outgoing?: depends
A good storyteller?: nopes
[DO YOU...]
Enjoy parks?: yar.if its not too hot or crowded
Like Picnics?: depends on who and how many are going.i prefer an intimate one.
Like School?: its ok.not my favourite.
Like the color pink?: nice
Wet the bed?: when i was a kid
Collect anything?: nope.
Like to sing?: yeps
Like to shop?: definitely.esp with endless amount of money.
Like to Party?: not really
Get in trouble a lot?: i usually manage to stay out of them.
Chew your food before swallowing?: duhs.
Love someone:of cos..
[WOULD YOU...]
Go to a DEFTONES concert if you had free ticket?: what is that?
Ever get a tattoo?: might.but i must make sure i wont regret it
Ever get any body parts pierced?: i think navel piercing is kinda nice.wait till i get a nice stomach.
Kill someone you didn't know for 15 million dollars?:hell no.
If you were stuck on a planet which one person would you want with you?: somebody i wont get sick of.i hadnt thought of who that person is yet
If your house was on fire what three things would you take?: phone.nothing else really matter.
If you were stuck on a planet with Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne and you were starving which one would you eat?: im not a cannibal.n i dunno who r they.
If someone offered you a small part in a movie would you accept? why not?as long as its not porn.
What would you do for a klondike bar?: whats that.
[WHAT MUSIC WOULD YOU WANT PLAYING WHEN...]
you dance: something that can groove to.
you die: how would i know how would i die?
you are buried: amazing grace
you sleep: those soothing instrumental music
you say "I love you": i dont need music to say i love you
you cry: i prefer quiet environment when crying
you laugh: none.i wont b able to hear myself laughing in that case
you kill: eh.those retarded music that plays during thrillers that indicates that something is going to pop out and scare you.
Michelle called at
10:09 PM
i called my mum a little too late when leaving my piano teacher's house.so ended up walking a long way out to the main road.i aint complaining.cos i kinda enjoyed the walk.actually walking is fun.its like..once you start you dont wanna stop.except when you are walking in heels i guess.
anyway..while i was walking down the quiet lane like it was my road,just roaming all the way to the middle of the road..there was this car with the fluoroscent headlights that was featured a few months ago.it seemed kinda bright.if every car in town uses those kind of headlights..i guess a congested highway in the night would seem more like daytime.
as i was thinking about that,i lifted up my head to look at the sky.cant see much stars.mayb its a cloudy night.or mayb singapore is simply too heavily lit up.im not complaining about that either.that would after make the area safer.but i wanna experience a sky filled with stars.just like the kind you see in the movies.lying on a green pasture (without any manure please..) and just enjoying the company of the twinkling stars.prefably in the arms of a loved one too.haha.how romantic.oh yar..i dont want any streetlights too.i only want a oil lamp lit by the side.hm..sounds like a darn nice scene.
Michelle called at
9:55 PM
drinking a warm cup of milo is the best way to soothe a person's heart.although not necessarily calming the mind that has thoughts whizzing around like nobody's business.thats exactly what im doing.i have a feeling im getting hooked on milo again.*licks lips*
school has started all over again.but the first week is a slack week cos of the 2nd intake.sch ends at 1230 everyday.thats if i insist on skipping all the makeup physics lectures in the afternoon.which is actually kinda dumb cos i totally dont know whats going on there.maybe i should just get people proficient in them to tutor me.for free that is. *hinting at yuyi n whoever else is good at physics.a levels that is*
gloomy.kinda grouchy.somewhat a way to describe michelle these few days.mayb cos im rushing to catch up on all the work that has been accumulating from the last 2 weeks of last term.a byproduct of my coronation as the "pon" (NOT PORN!!!) queen.actually i believe gwen should share the glory of throne with me.
i somewhat dont miss the current class.that deep sense of attachment i once had for them seemed to just disappear into,what i persistently insist ,fat air.mayb its the knowledge that i definitely wont be in that class anymore that tore me away.just dont wanna deposit anymore of my feelings on something that i know somewhat would have no returns.or mayb its just how the girls are being robbed from each other's trust from the way,as how i perceive it,gossiping,backbiting and over zealous sharing of common feelings have prevaded in the class.sigh.how i wish none would have me involved.does nothing more than opening the attempting to heal wounds.
one guy that i have been worrying over the past few weeks seem to be doing well.its not because im infatuated with him or anything close to that.its just that hes so far the only one that i know that has been forced to give up the jc pathway because of his aggregate.i know i should have no concern about his results,esp since i only knew him after his Os.but its probably the friendship between us that brought forth those kind of feelings.
only true friendships stand.the rest are just acquaintances that accompany u for toilet breaks.
everyone please mark down that phrase and remember that it was first spoken by michelle the great.
Michelle called at
6:44 PM
March 20, 2004
i think its time to stop complaining and actually work things out.
Michelle called at
10:05 PM
stop pretending to seem like things dont matter to me when they actually do? thats my forte my dear father..
that was what i sent to yuyi.that y there was a father.
pretence.i find myself associating more and more with it.just a facade.putting up a front.
Michelle called at
8:28 PM
March 19, 2004
im scoffing at the show that reported the 2 teenage suicide cases.the way the principals insist that their teachers are professional and trained in counselling and all.den the public typically will insist that it has nothing to do with the school but only with the parents.
if u r in the shoes of these parents who have unwittingly lost your precious son or daughter,would you accept those reasons?of course not!and to think those people are just shoving all the dirt onto the parents just because they believe parents are the only people with a part to play in.frankly,in a typical day,the child spends 8 hours in bed,8 hours in school and only less than 6 at home mingling around their parents.so now who has a more important role in shaping the hormone raging and confused adolescent?
mayb people should start thinking how they would actually respond if they were in the exact situation before they answer the media's questions.it wud only make them seem untactful and brainless if they just respond with whatever seem model.
Michelle called at
11:21 PM
drama.the taiwan president got shot while campaigning for the upcoming elections.the taiwanese are just so dramatic in all they do.just look at their parliament.sheesh.
michelle is still sick.cos she refused to listen to the doctor to cut down on the spicy and oily.so shes suffering retribution now.argh.
Michelle called at
4:40 PM
got back in town yesterday.not without spending a whole day in bed,getting a shock from the numbers 38.2 showing on my thermometer,1 wasted and another somewhat fruitful trip to the doctor.got back 4 packets of medicine.im just going to get an overdose of who knows what drugs dissolving in my blood vessels.*shudders*
yes.obviously i was sick.i could not sleep on the last night of my trip not because of my excitement to get back home.but because i had a terrible stomachache.it was so torturous that i felt like slicing my stomach open.except that i cant do that cos i hadnt got any blade with me and im scared of the added pain.so yesterday i just slept like nobody's business refusing to reply anyone or answer any calls.apologies to any of my victims,namely cheuk.
thailand was kinda fun.only thing worth complaining is their efficiency at the airport.we spent an hour queuing up at the immigration.they spend roughly 45secs on each person.have only 5 counters.no wonder they are the busiest airport.didnt really get to shop much.as in..the places we went to r kinda weird.but the night market we went to on the first night was nice.a lot of interesting stuff.except that i have no use for them yet.ohs.we bought like 2 dozens of white n gray socks for 130baht a dozen.yar.its dirt cheap.but the socks r like a little longer than ankle socks.i gotta find some way to shorten them man.
anyway.i took airasia there.cos my dad thought it was quite fun to try out the new airline.but at the end of the day,he decided that it sux.he would rather take singapore airlines.thats good news though.cos i dont like to wake up at 4am (!!??!!) on the day of arrival just to catch a 710am flight home.actually i had done that a couple times on the indo mission trip,but thats a different story.
while recuperating from my throbbing headache,i realised that advertisments nowadays have added in words for thoughts.an example that struck me the most was the streats commercial..where the guy goes "dont fall in love with money.fall in love with what you love to do".seems to coincide with matt 6:24 [No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon.].ormayb the guy got the inspiration of the phrase from this verse.but anyway,its exactly like what i was complaining before.that people in an effort to puruse worldly riches forgo the things they initially set out to accomplish.
burnt out.a scary phrase to me.i hope it is to everyone.
Michelle called at
10:46 AM
March 15, 2004
sorrie to all i haf scared through my last entry.i was just feeling down n all.yea.n im betta now.esp since i hadnt been forced to the psychiatrist yet.
Michelle called at
10:10 PM
March 13, 2004
i feel terrible.guilty upset and stuff like that.
everything got worse after napping at nus medicine library.had a hangover all the while..until i forced myself to b alive after reaching daniel's place.superficiality?or what?i dunno what to say about michelle anymore.she feels so distant.like..2 different people.is that enough reason to send me to the psychiatrist?
i know im bitching big time about the psychiatrist thing.but im actually quite scared about it.what if the psychiatrist himself needs a psychiatrist.and in the mean time he gives me weird medicine that will my alter my brain and stuff like that.paranoid i know i seem.
my parents are both not home yet.this is unusual.esp after i entered jc.my dad had made it a point to b back early.or at least he always arrives earlier than me.but tonight they're both away.my dad supposedly doing some overnight work - although i'd rather believe he is drowning his sorrows in alcohol - and i guess my mum is over at my auntie's house.there is tension between them.and its the kind that i hadnt felt since 2 years ago.
i can feel my tears welling up.y do i always have to know so much?y cant i just have a peaceful time reading the newspapers without knowing that my dad had another affair?i remembered my tears soaking up the papers i was attempting to read.y cant i just sleep well without hearing my parents fighting?it was like that then,and its still like that.when would they stop hurting me with their squabbles?
i feel so tired.feel so numb.act as if these dont matter anymore,but it cuts me to the heart.i just cant feel anything anymore.
Michelle called at
10:03 PM
March 12, 2004
michelle is pleased to announced that shes officially sick.her nose is rubbed to the extreme that its going to peel soon.yar.and my ears are blocked 3/4 of the time.
this sux.especially when it is holidays already.but actualy i would rather not be sick during the term.after all,i've ponned too much sch.
im lagging so much.i still havent gotten my maths n chem lecture notes.that stupid winston something.
Michelle called at
7:47 PM
March 11, 2004
i feel accused.
Michelle called at
2:15 PM
i finally understand how it feels to b really disciplined by the holy spirit.i know its kinda slow after being so many years of a christian.but its betta to b late than never.
was complaining big time to joy and gustin about school..about how im too lazy and stuff like that la.as usual i was talking real loudly and my speech was kinda captured in the mike that was left switched on on the seat in front of us.yea.pastor ting had to go and switch it off cos the whole room heard about how michelle dont feel like going to acjc the next morning.yeps.anyway,the discipling started when the preaching start.it was about thanksgiving and how murmuring brings displeasure to god.i felt so horrible throughout the whole message.as if pastor ting will list my example any moment.i knew she wont do that but i just felt as terrible.
sigh.chastening by the holy spirit sure hurts.
Michelle called at
9:09 AM
March 8, 2004
i so need to complain against bibi n baba.they hadnt even got a shirt that i can fit in.its so freaking big la.how are they going to cater to people like me.
i mean..im small la.but i cant help it rite?now where on earth am i going to get an uniform that fits?i wonder how did that freaking skinny rgs ger get hers.argh.
Michelle called at
10:29 PM
didnt go to school again.went back to ij for the thanksgiving mass.it wasnt wonder or whatever..but it was great hanging out with the people again..esp xu fe jas n pau.hadnt done that with them for such a long time.sighs..
anyway.i watched erin brockovich last nite.she was so freaking sharp-tongued..the way she rebutted at the lawyer representing the company they were suing was marvellous.haha.no wonder they were just tongue-tied and all they could say was "i guess the meeting is over".hahahaha.
i teared.yes.i finally teared again.it was at the part when the snobbishly arrogant woman from the other company went to this family,whose little girl had cancer and looked so frail that she was going to faint any moment,and asked them to describe their diseases uncompassionately.n she added in that its best to not put in any feelings in their description cos it wont do much in court n blah blah blah like that.considering that lady's attitude,she must have graduated from some ivy league law school n hence unfortunately,in my opinion,ended up in that big company where she had been further taught not to feel.this reminded me of street lawyer by john grisham.but i digressed.
i wonder if she had entered law school with the passion to help fight the injustice and corruption that is oppressing the unpriviliged and usually poor people in the society.mayb she had pledged to weed out those pests that have been causing so much pain in the people.mayb she had thought of offering her services free so that the people can get out of their peril situations against those giant companies.mayb she wont mind being in the current financial situation as long as she can help those people.mayb..mayb..mayb..
but look at what she had turned out now.materialistic.money-minded.fame and power hungry.all she want is recognition.all she want is more money to satisfy her luxurious needs.all she want is more of this and that.im not saying that erin brockovich doesnt want money.after all erin had asked for pay raises countless times.but its the change that had happened in the lawyer that caused the ache.how much a person can change just to stay in the rat race.
this change is prevalent.in law,lawyers that have vouched to uphold justice usually succumb to money offers to prove unjustly innocence of their obviously guilty clients.and they actually have to cheek to continue earning money till they are literally filthy rich.in the medical field,doctors that are supposed to do their bestest best to treat their patients can actually go against their ethics by refusing treatment until payment.of course some people might argue that the patients may eventually refuse paying their bills and that would cause debts and blah blah blah.they have such a heart for the people out there.
disappointment is all i can say.i wonder if people i know will turn out like that.i guess i would grief even more then.
i was thinking in the car this morning about my usage of vocab to describe crying.thanks to my super limited range,i could only think of 3:crying teared wept.
crying:only when im seriously crying like nobody's business about something that im really afraid.the last time that happened was on a train bound home.
teared:something that happens most of the time.when droplets of tears just roll down.last time it happened was last nite..watching erin brockovich.
wept:i guess it only happens when my heart is really grieved.last time it happened?i haf no idea when.it feels too serious.
Michelle called at
5:11 PM
March 5, 2004
shengwu did well.expectedly.he was featured in the rj website.
but i wonder if hes doing as well spiritually.
sigh.it saddens me to see my "seniors" gone.i guess that was what sarah felt when a pair of cg leaders left.
Michelle called at
7:50 PM
my sister insisted that i look at william hung's latest performance at american idol.im in shock of the reception he has received.mayb that speaks a lot of the world now.a big joke.what has become of the nice voices singers need and well coordinated moves that dancers require?oh or mayb most people know that they would never reach that stage of excellence and hence rather settle for someone like william hung who is roughly at the same stage at them.what losers.
a pure heart that follows hard after thee.i think its something i am struggling with now.morality impurities probably a big problem for me.really hafta get out of it.
Michelle called at
6:35 PM
March 4, 2004
tired.hadnt been getting enough sleep recently.i should stop ponning sch.but im just getting too lazy.haha.so too bad.
Michelle called at
9:55 PM
March 2, 2004
michelle is confused.seriously.im torn between vj and ac.again.used to b hc and vj.wads with the Cs and vj?dumb.
i dont want to regret.seriously.this sux.
Michelle called at
10:51 PM
March 1, 2004
just realised that my class is 75% confirmed of splitting.that has thrusted me back into the dilemma of where to go.the class has a too great pull factor for me to stay in ac.if the class cant stay,i might not stay.i know it sounds like a dumb conclusion,but thats the way i am.
yuyi's concert last nite was great.until my dad screamed at me as usual.kinda irritating.but i understand that hes just concerned.hold on..do i really understand?or am i just giving myself an excuse?whichever way,i enjoyed the concert with the company of sean.
i "raped" lengkian this morning.was fighting with him when he kept shooting ice at me and kinda popped his 2nd button while strugging to shove ice down his shirt.kept asking him to use the acs badge to pin it there n look like a mgs girl.but he refused.how boring.
took an hour's walk from amk station until my ankles were scrapped by my shoes.i really shud go buy new socks.to those who dont know how far that is,it shud haf walked about 10 busstops?yea.im just dam boliao.